


If I's You, I'd Run From Me

by storybrooke_clique



Series: If It's Okay, A Little Grace Would Be Appreciated [1]
Category: Paramore
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, But she's kinda denying it??, Christianity, F/F, F/M, Hayley's gayyy, Homophobic Language, Josh is kinda a bitch, Lesbian Character, Taylor's a Superherooo, The boys aren't really supportive, kinda???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-12 15:33:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11164818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storybrooke_clique/pseuds/storybrooke_clique
Summary: The boys of Paramore find out Hayley's gay.  Hayley is not prepared for this. Much angst ensues.





	If I's You, I'd Run From Me

**Author's Note:**

> First things first, (Imma say all the words inside my head) if you are bothered by offensive and derogatory comments like "faggot", do not read. This is is kind of an "outed" situation which makes some people uncomfortable so don't read it if you don't like that stuff. Other than that, I think its ok. Its kinda emotional and something I wrote when I was questioning myself, so it might be bad. I's sorry. Title was taken from song "Idle Worship" off of the album "After Laughter" by Paramore. Very good album. 10/10. I don't own any of these characters, don't sue me, blah blah blah. I would say any real life representations of these characters are fictional but they are real people lolll. Anyways, I'm talking too much. Enjoy and stay safe!

The only reason Hayley woke up at 10 is because the sun was shining so bright through her window it was almost blinding. Yes, the sun provided her warmth and arguably life, but she would really appreciate it if it let her get some much needed rest. But today the sun decided to be a bitch. Hayley didn't like bitches. But nevertheless, she got up anyways.

She made no attempt to regulate her hair in any sort of way because everyone on this bus had seen her at her ugliest, literally and figuratively speaking. When Hayley swung her feet over her bunk, she had this nagging feeling that she was forgetting something. Not in a “I forgot to pack my socks” way, but rather a “I'm forgetting to do something” way. She thought about what she usually does in the morning. Maybe she was just hungry and wanted breakfast. So she hopped out of bed, slipped into her pink flip flops, and strolled to the main kitchen area in her sweats and Ramones t-shirt, which she was too lazy to take off last night. 

Hayley was grabbing the milk to make her cereal, when she heard muttering in the next room over, the lounge area. She just assumed it was the crew talking about some game last night or whatever, so she continued to grab the Apple Jacks box and dump a heap of it in the styrofoam bowl. Milk then followed, and wha la, she had her world renowned 5 star breakfast meal of Apple Jacks. 

Once she got a spoon, she too made her way to the lounge area to talk to the crew and catch up on whatever what was on TV. What she did not expect though is to not see the crew at all, but rather see the boys, all 4 of them, in the lounge area and looking pretty awake. Taylor, she could see being up this early, but Zac and Josh could sleep through the end of the world. Genetics, she guessed.

Zac, Jeremy, Josh and Taylor were all sitting on the bus floor, huddled around a little pink book. Why would they be holding a pink book? That's a girl thing I mean even she had one---oh shoot. That was her pink book. That was her diary. That's what she forgot to do this morning. She forgot to journal.

“Yo!” Hayley exclaimed, quickly setting down her Apple Jacks and running over to where the boys were, “what the heck are you doing?”

Josh swiftly turned around and said, “We could ask you the same thing.” 

“Josh, stop messing around, that's private.” Hayley tried her best to make every syllable feel like a dagger, “Give it back!” 

“Fine!” Josh shouted as he shoved the book across the floor towards Hayley, “But you better have a hella good explanation for this.”

Hayley scoffed and went to pick up her diary. This was her personal journal, she didn't have to explain anything to them. They were trespassing.

However, when Hayley found out what page they were staring at, she went paler than the moon.

February 24th, 2006

Something happened today, and I don't know what it means. I was over Joy’s house and we were talking about silly stuff, y’know TV shows, tour troubles, stuff like that. Eventually we were just sitting in silence and I was just looking at her and how her nose was just perfect and how her eyes sparkled and her lips were just so plump and I felt like I wanted to kiss them. And I was just like man, I wish she would kiss me. Except I said that last part aloud. It was kinda awkward and I tried to take it back and tell her it was a joke, but she's known me for too long to not see through my lies. And she surprised me by confessing she's had a crush on me too ever since we met. So after a lot of awkward tension, we made out. For a while. And it felt amazing. I want to kiss Joy every second of every day. I know being homosexual is a sin and if Josh or Lord Forbid my dad found out, I'd get kicked out the band or disowned, but Joy makes me sooooo happy. And I know I'm a sinner and I feel absolutely disgusting, but aren't we all sinners? If I ask for forgiveness, He’ll give it to me right? And He made me this way anyways, so aren't I doing the right thing by rejoicing in what he gave me? I'm not really sure. I don't know if I'm bi or gay or pan (whatever that means) or if it's just Joy, but I'm pretty sure I'm not straight. And that's really scaring me. I gotta go. Maybe after some reflection I'll realize I'm frickin crazy and this is like such a bad sin and ask for forgiveness and never do it again. But the scary part is, I'm not sure I want to ask for forgiveness. It just feels so good.  
See ya later,  
Hayley

Hayley slowly looked up at the four boys, all looking at her like she was the scum of the Earth. Jeremy was raising his eyebrows at Hayley, expecting some sort of explanation from the lead singer.

“I...I…” Hayley started.

“You what? You're sorry? You definitely weren't sorry when you were out there fucking Joy!” Josh erupted.

Hayley was taken back. Not because his yelling but because Josh never cursed. Everyone else was shocked too.

“Josh,” Zac began, “calm down.”

“Calm down?! No, this is...she is disgusting. Zac, I was dating a fucking fag for almost 2 years!”

Hayley started to tear up. This could not be happening.

“I'm not...I'm not a fag,” Hayley said, barely above a whisper.

“Then what are you?” Josh asked. Hayley was silent, but looking Josh straight in the eye. Not by choice, she just couldn't look away. She was frozen. Josh, on the other hand, was far from frozen. 

“Tell us, Hayley, tell all of us, all of this frickin bus, all the world, what the hell are you?”

Hayley, still holding her gaze on Josh’s wild and raging eyes, said, “I don't know.”

“You don't know?” This time it was Jeremy talking. “Hayley, we’re trying to understand but we can't if you don't know who you are in the first place.”

“No, hold up,” Josh said as he marched over to Hayley. She was frozen to the spot, and unable to back up. Josh grabbed her chin, and tilted it up so she had no other choice but to look at him.

“Hayley Williams, look me in the eye and tell me you're a 100% straight heterosexual woman.”

Hayley had tears streaming down her cheeks as she tried her hardest to keep her lip from quivering (it wasn't working). This man, who had once been her best friend and the love of her life was now taking a dagger and stabbing her repeatedly in the heart. But she knew one thing. She was not a 100% straight heterosexual woman. 

“I can't,” she cried out to Josh as she held back a sob because she knew with that sentence, she had lost one of the best people in her life. 

Josh nodded. “That's what I thought. Did you even think about how this would affect your parents? The band? Us? Hayley I loved you! Did you even love me?”

“Yes!” Hayley yelled, “Of course I did! I still do!”

“No! You don't! You love Joy! Don't you?”

“Yes, but…”

“You love a girl! You're a fag! A filthy sinner! You're disgusting Hayley, how could you? You're not mentally right in the head, and you are not going to contaminate me, or my brother! Zac, come on, let's go.” 

With another nasty glance at Hayley, Josh stormed towards the bunks. Zac followed but whispered to Hayley “I'll talk to him” before following his brother.

Once Zac and Josh left, the room was basically silent. Hayley finally unfroze and now took a peculiar interest in the design of the lounge room carpet. Jeremy was playing with his fingers, trying to figure out this whole situation and Taylor, Taylor was thinking of every possible way under the sun to make his best friend feel better, but to be honest, he was just as confused as she was. 

The three bandmates sat in silence, besides the occasional snore from the crew or yell from Josh. All through this, Taylor looked at Hayley, who looked like her whole world had just fallen apart, and Jeremy whose eyebrows were furrowed. He always did that when he was thinking really hard. Finally, Taylor got tired of this.

“Okay, silence isn't going to solve anything, contrary to popular belief. We can't pretend nothing happened because...well something definitely happened. So somebody start talking. If nobody does, I will.” 

Jeremy looked up from his fingers to look at Taylor. Taylor caught his gaze and motioned his head towards Hayley, who was still staring at the floor. Taylor mouthed “Do something!”, but Jeremy just stared at him. Taylor rolled his eyes and was getting ready to walk out, when Hayley muttered something.

Both Taylor and Jeremy’s heads turned towards her. 

“What’d you say?” Taylor asked.

Hayley lifted her head, and revealed her tear streaked cheeks and puffy eyes. She had been crying.

“I'm sorry,” she croaked out.

Taylor immediately ran over and embraced her in a hug. Hayley started crying even harder on his shoulder, her chest heaving and sobs racking throughout her body. Her eyes were closed, but when she opened them, she saw Jeremy was not joining Taylor in comforting her, but rather staring at the two of them awkwardly.

This broke Hayley’s heart. She had lost everyone close to her.

“Jeremy,” she begged.

Jeremy stared at Hayley.

“I'm sorry!” Hayley cried, “I don't...I don't want to be this way but I am! I am this way and I can understand if it makes you uncomfortable. Couple months ago, it...it would've grossed me out too...but..but she makes me happy. Happier than I've...I've ever b-been.” She was crying and stuttering even more than before. Hayley was an absolute wreck, and Taylor hugged her even harder, trying to hold all the pieces of Hayley together as if he was afraid she was going to fall apart. Jeremy still sat there, getting a little teared up as well. When Hayley saw this, she let go of Taylor (who tried to hold onto her longer, but despite being tiny, the girl was strong) and went over to Jeremy, who now changed his glance from Hayley back to his hands. Hayley grabbed Jeremy's hands forcefully and leaned her head down on the table so she met Jeremy’s eyes. 

“Please, talk to me Jeremy,” Hayley begged, “I can't lose you.”

Jeremy tapped his finger on Hayley's hands, all the while, Taylor was onlooking. Then he said, “I don't get it.”

Despite everything that had just happened, Hayley actually laughed and chuckled out, “Neither do I.”

Jeremy was not as amused as Hayley.

“Damn it, Hayley!” Jeremy said, as he slammed his fist on the table, causing Hayley to jump, “You're a sinner!”

Taylor interjected by running over to where Jeremy was and said, “So are you! Everybody sins.”

“Yeah, but this is like, a big sin!” Jeremy took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair a couple times before saying, “The Bible says ‘Do not lie with man as man lie with woman.’ You broke that Hayley, you could go to hell!”

Once again, Taylor steps in.

“Jeremy, you are acting like you have never sinned before. You've lied, you've cheated, you've talked about your mom behind her back. All of that is sinning. The Bible also says, ‘Love thy neighbor’. And Hayley is more than our neighbor.”

Taylor stopped to grab Hayley by the wrist, and pull her over to where he and Jeremy were standing. Her head was down, again. Taylor wrapped her arm around the singer and said, 

“Hayley is our band mate, our sister, our lead singer, our best friend and we are going to love the heck out of her whether she is straight, bi, pan, gay or any other sexuality under the sun. She knows this is against the Bible! Don't you think she feels horrible? But this is what makes her happy, Jeremy. Joy makes her happy. And we’ve got to want her to be happy.”

Jeremy looked at Hayley, hair all disheveled, half painted toenails, pants stained with milk and sweat. But Taylor was right, this was his friend. His best friend.

“Jeremy,” Hayley begun, but was cut off by being smothered by Jeremy's sweatshirt as he gave her a hug. He sat his chin on the shorter girl’s shoulder and said, “I still don't get it.”

And again Hayley said, “Neither do I.”

Taylor joined in on the hug and said, “But we can all figure it out together.”

And Hayley had this strange feeling that despite everything that just went on and her being a sinner, somehow things were going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> If you are in a similar situation to Hayley, know you are not alone and you're feelings are VALID. God (if you believe in him) loves you no matter what or who you are. If you're hella gay, be hella gay and leave all those haters behind. As longer as you're happy, nothing else matters. Be safe! 
> 
> p.s. This might become a series. Haven't made my mind up yet


End file.
